Solitude...friend or foe?

She sat there, next to us at the oilcloth covered table, alone.  I studied her carefully.  By appearance, she almost blended into the Diner's decor.  Her hair was peppered with grey and black strands that lay flatly, in the shape of a closely cropped bob.  She wore tiny diamond stud earrings and a crisply ironed pastel shirt, over the top of a grey t-shirt, that read "Mystic, Connecticut".   Her eyebrows were dark and overgrown a bit and she looked as though make-up was of little interest to her.   I figured that she must be in well into her 60's and wondered if maybe she was waiting on someone to join her.  A husband, a friend, a daughter or son?   But after a few minutes, I could see that she was very much alone and there would be no one coming.   

My table was identical to hers in its design, but very different in that it was filled by my husband, our one year old son, and myself.   The sounds of his baby babble, more than filled the air, in short vibrant bursts that I was completely unable to control.  Embarrassed by the contrast of his voice and the quietness of the Diner, I repeatedly look up at the woman to see if perhaps the noise was irritating her.   It wasn't.   A few times she actually shot a brief and shy smile in the direction of the baby.   But for the most part, she simply looked uncomfortable by her own solitude.   

I watched as she stared off into the distance. At times, she shifted in her seat, and refocused on the coffee cup that rested between her hands.   At other times, she seemed to be reading the black and white advertisements that were printed on the paper placemat in front of her.  In an apparent effort to avoid the lack of conversation available to her, she pulled open her purse and seemed to dig through it for nothing in particular.   When the waitress arrived at her table carrying her order, the woman rapidly tossed the contents back, deep into the purse.  She seemed relieved by the sudden distraction.   

I wanted to keep watching her, but thinking I would be entirely obvious in my study of her every move, I turned to my attention back toward my own family.   There in front of me was my handsome husband.   Every single day, when I wake up, he is the person I want to talk to before anyone else.   And at the end of each day, as he is commuting back home from work, I call him.  Most of the time, we talk on the cell phone through the majority of his very long drive. Simply put, we are much too impatient to wait to talk to each other until he arrives home.  Our relationship has been designed around hour upon hour of talking, sharing, and finding the humor in life.   Some of the sweetest essence in my life is developed through the long talks with him.

I then looked to my right.  There perched inside of the wooden high chair is my precious baby boy.  We stay home together every single day.   He wakes up and expects to see his mother first...and by the grace of God, that's exactly what he gets.  Sometimes we sit on the floor together and explore his toys, share in fits of high pitched laughter, play games of peek-a-boo and make pretend calls on his toy telephone to people we both know.  And through this, we work on strengthening our mother and child bond.  By way of my three children, I am given a strong purpose and goals to reach.  Constantly I am inspired by their fresh ideas and developing personalities.  I truly want to spend time with them.

As I once again, looked on my husband and son sitting with me at the table, I took a deep breath.   The kind of breath that pummels through your lungs as a result of deep gratitude and sudden relief.   But then, in the next instant, another feeling began to trickle through my veins and it resembled sadness.   I looked at the woman again sitting next to us and I suddenly made the connection to the growing heaviness.

With all my heart I wanted to get up and ask her to join us at our table. 

            I didn't go.  I sat there.

Instead, I considered my own life.   I pondered my family and my many delicious girlfriends who help me tie-up telephone lines for hours every day.   I thought about myself in another thirty years.  My heart wondered if there is the possibility that I could be a woman alone at a table one day.  Oh believe me, I do not recoil from a good evening in the bubble bath...alone.  Nor to I mind a solid span of time...with a good book in the corner of Starbuck's.   Solitude on some level is certainly valuable and practically enviable at times!   

Yet I wondered, could I one day be the girl who welcomes the distraction of food, simply to take the chill of solitude away from my own existence?   And suddenly, like a scene with Scrooge from Charles Dicken's writing, "A Christmas Carol", I saw the "ghost of what could be," for me or anyone really.   It felt icy and lonely.    

        I wanted scream, "I don't want to be alone!"    

And it struck me.  This is why the investment in relationships is essential.  One day, I too will be in my 60's.   I am aiming to make sure that my life is full of friends and family.   And I hope it will be.   But there are rules to this game of life.   

It simply comes down to how we have lived.  Did I give of myself to others?  Or did I close up on the inside, to protect myself from hurt.   Frankly, just being a part of any relationship means that there is a high probability we will be wounded.  In some cases, the wounds will go very deep and take hard work to mend.  In other cases, the wounds may never heal. 

Still, the price we pay from not being open to relationships, is solitude.  And honestly, this is something I am simply can not accept.   By choosing to invest time, love and honest support into my family, my friends, and my handsome husband, I am seeking out a life that will not fade into isolation. 

I am on a quest of sorts... to seek out, build and sustain relationships that will outlast the years I have on this earth.  And somehow, I hope that you too will never becoming a part of the lonely state of seclusion...

 I've said it before, fellow juicy dreamers,
            Life is meant to be lived... 
                And lived out loud! 
       
            So, are you?  And who is beside you to share in it?

(feeling moved)

Comments

[Lalena]

Well said. Solitude and isolation creep in at times but I'm breaking free! I don’t want to be the woman alone but a woman full of adventure and surrounded by the love of family and friends!

[Super Zoe]

Love it. LOVE. IT. Thanks for the words!

[Michelle Romo]

Great blog Jen! I am thankful everyday for my husband and Daughter and being surrounded by them. I am also thankful for my wonderful family and friends, so between ALL of them...I hope to never have to worry about being alone. Makes me appreciate them that much more! Thanks Jen!

[themommykelly]

I'm speechless. All I can say is beautiful... beautifully written, beautifully thought. Makes one think and be grateful.

[castocreations]

Wow.

I am pretty sure that I will be that woman someday. Sometimes I am her now. My closest friends are in my laptop. I hang out with my mother and mother in law. That's it. Sometimes my sister in law but she's frequently busy. No one else. No real friends.

My husband of course. We do as much together as possible with his weird shift schedule.

I enjoy solitude but it can be lonely.

[Joelle]

Oh friend I cannot wait to read your first book!! Your writing is amazing and so thought provoking. I love reading your stories.

Castrocreations,
Think of all the women out there missing out on your great friendship! Jenn turned me on to this book called Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts! You must get it! You no longer have to be starving for great, deep JOY!!! Succulence is just around the corner for you!! :)

[Sarah]

Interesting read..I've been married 20 years, and definitely love my family, but also enjoy the solitude. However, I really dislike dining alone. After reading your perspective on this, I was wondering if you would have written about this person if the lonesome diner was a male? Just curious. :)

[solitude is bliss]

I would be her in a second. Solitude, oh how I love thee! The craziness of life sometimes takes us in directions we care not go, but must. Wondering if you had invited her, if she would have even wanted to sit at your table? Did you ever wonder if she might have felt sorry for you? With husband and kids all clinging to you for every drop of your attention? Perhaps she was on a business trip, i'm not sure we should assume that a girl eating a dinner alone is probably lonesome & sad. but, for the sake of readership, we could twist that scenerio all around. Nice writing!

[Juicy Jenn]

Reply to Sarah,

Thank you for your interesting comment on my blog post! Very different perspective...and one I'd love to reply to.

You asked,

".....I was wondering if you would have written about this person if the lonesome diner was a male? Just curious. :)"

To which I would respond...MOST DEFINITELY! Man or woman...still lonely....still without conversation or someone to care about them at the moment. My heart holds no special partiality for a man or woman who would be in the same exact situation...doing much of the same. In fact, I would like to add, that there was a man who in the same restaurant...was sitting at the diner bar area. He too exuded a very lonely feeling. But it was done differently. He sat up there because he had no one with him and talked nonsense to the poor waitress in front of him...for a very long time. I say that because the poor man was so craving any type of conversation that his voice boomed into the silence with the strangest sentences...and questions. He sought conversation at any cost...even if it was silly or embarassing. He was lonely. You could feel his loneliness from where we were. And as I walked out of the restaurant that day, he turned and looked at me and my little family. I smiled quickly toward him. And his reaction, was a surprised smile back....and a long stare at the three people leaving.

The feeling you get from strangers is sometimes hard to interpret, because we don't actually know that person. But loneliness is universal. And frankly, far too many people are so incredibly lonely...without knowing how to overcome it. And so many of us forget to include others...who are lonely. Myself included.

Anyway, I hope that answered your question Sarah....men are not exempt from loneliness either in my book. Thank you again for your thoughtful comments!

Juicy Jenn

[Juicy Jenn]

Reply to Solitude is Bliss,

What an interesting comment that you left on my blog. Very thought provoking indeed. And I'd have to answer it this way....

While solitude is definitely "enviable at times.." as I said in my article, it is truly not meant to be permanent. We are all born into relationships with people...as in mothers and fathers...siblings perhaps included or not. I can certainly tell you that the woman in the story did not appear to be enjoying her solitude in any way. And frankly, gave off a very lonely appearance and feeling...as if the solitude was NOT welcomed and if she had the chance to visit with others...she truly would. That is not to say that there aren't people who truly do want to be alone though. I've seen them too. And I would be happy to tell anyone that even at this moment, my house is entirely empty of people...except for me...and I am welcoming the moment like you'd welcome sunshine after a long winter of snow and clouds. But if you imagine birthdays, holidays, summer, winter, spring and fall...without human companionship...I seriously doubt that someone would desire it to be that way all the time. I know its been done. And after a while, perhaps someone can actually adjust to being completely alone. But I still argue that it is not what we were designed for, in the long haul of life.

As for the lady feeling sorry for me. Well, I think that there are always those who could feel bad for a woman who has a "child or husband clinging to them...for every drop of attention" as you said. Everyone needs some alone-ness to reconfigure their thoughts and self. But as for a child and husband clinging to me....I just have to laugh and so did my husband. We both thought...clinging? Not even on my best day! LOL Ahhhhh if ONLY I were seen in such a light. ha ha ha But alas, I am not and they don't cling to me for my bits of attention. I give them attention and am also given attention by them. It is not forced or grabbed up by my family. And usually is done in a balanced way....alone time...together time...alone time...together time...etc. Somehow it works out.

I guess that it still comes down to what your goals are for your lifetime. To share it or to keep it to yourself. And either way...if it works for you...then who am I to judge?

Thank you for your comments SIB!

Juicy Jenn

[Michelle Romo]

I can see what solitude of bliss is saying. Some people enjoy being alone and wouldn't want it any other way. They are comfortable in their own skin. I believe most people enjoy companionship and the warmth of another being in thier lives, but their are also lots of people out there who are just fine and very happy in their own company. To each their own.