Living a Dream

One itty-bitty Pursuit of Hope

Mid-air, he seemed to cling to an invisible post....wings buzzing so swiftly that they were not discernable to the naked eye.  His little head was fixated at my front door.  There was no turn to the left or right.  He was sure in his position, planted firmly in one spot.   

With the motion of the front door opening, I  thought that the tiny creature, would have fled for cover.   In the least, Mr. G's quick pace to move toward me, as I came outside, should have scared the little being.   But no, not in the slightest.   In fact, the tiny winged bug staunchly refused to be moved by my presence or that of Mr. G entirely.   

Feeling a bit trapped in my house by the firmly planted insect in my doorway, I leaned toward him and blew a tiny puff of air directly at him.   The sudden gust sent the bug tumbling backward by about a foot or so.   And I assumed that the he would wake up and finally see the giant "me" in his path.   I thought for sure he would scurry on his way simply to avoid the danger!   

Believing the bug to be gone, I talked to my hubby for a few minutes, walked across the front porch to examine something in the yard and then meandered back toward the front door.   By now, I had forgotten about the steadfast bug staring at the front door of my house.

As I stepped inside, I spun around to close the door and there...much to my amazement, in front of me, was that same bug, staring at my door.   Same place.  Same rapidly beating wings.  Same tiny face.  His whole being determined to face that door.   He made no attempts to enter the house.   And he obviously wasn't afraid of me.   Oddly, he wanted THAT spot and that spot ONLY.

I now looked at the strange little unidentified bug with curious amusement.  Why didn't he just leave?  Why wasn't he afraid of me?   What was the big attraction?  And why on earth was he fixated on my front door?

It was then that I noticed the yellow flowered wreath that hangs there.   I've passed it so many times coming in and out of the house, that I suppose I just overlooked the bright yellow flowers and the dark green leaves. 

"So THIS is what he is after." I thought. "He is staring at the flowered wreath."   

As I pondered this a bit, I remembered that the autumn air in New York has meant that blooming summer flowers just aren't readily available anymore for this little bug.  And yet, out of all the countryside, he had managed to find the one bright spot where apparently summer had not yet ended.

I don't know if he realized that they were fake flowers.   I don't know if he even cared.   But he stared.  And stared with such determination that I nearly thought they would turn into real flowers right before my eyes.

Closing the door, leaving him to his business of deep meditation, I couldn't help but wonder if that little bug wasn't doing exactly what we should aim to do.

Seasonal changes are a part of day to day living as humans.   The burst of a new Spring and the ease of Summer seasons, are but part of our lives, they won't last forever.    Change of seasons are inevitable.   Sometimes we head into the cold snaps of Autumn and the harshness of Winter.

I speak from my own experiences with this.  Even now my life is in a season of very hard work.   Loads of change and much challenge.   And I can not say that it has been easy or that I've felt capable of handling it every day....(Oh how I wish!)   But I can't help but remember one piece of scripture that Mr. G and I cling to and claim for our lives.    It says in Luke 21:19 "By standing firm, you will gain life."   

The little black bug seemed to have the same scripture tattooed on his little heart.   He was confronted by a giant {me}, blown by the winds {my little puff of air}, and the object of his hope was even removed from his sight every time the door opened and closed.    But he believed.   He stood firm.  He determined that the bright spring yellow flowers were going to be his.   He would have them...even if Autumn was in the air.

Darlings, I don't mind telling you that I appreciated the hope that I found in that moment.   Being in this particular season of life,  has meant much trial and struggle.  But I remembered, thanks to the staunch itty bitty bug, that it's not the giants in my path, the winds that blow me to and fro or even the moments when the hope I have seems to disappear, that matters so much.  No.   The truth is,  I have to "stand firm" in faith and believe in the vision God has given me and Mr. G for the future.  This season will end one day. There will be again a new-ness of spring and an ease of summer in our lives.  So I will place my eye sight forward and not be moved.   There is HOPE.    

So I say, humbly, thank you God for the perserverance of one tiny insect to remind me...it is truly immeasurable.

(feeling grateful for lessons learned in the hardest of seasons)

I'm not Defined by how many dishes I wash...

Sitting on the couch...practicing my talent for actually being a "Couch Potato"  I saw a commercial that caught me off-guard.   The pretty brunette woman on the screen announced, in a rather pleasant voice,

    "I am no longer defined by how many dishes I wash."

And then the screen flashed to some type of disposable plates that will entirely change my life and the lives of millions of women around the globe.   (oh, if only, right?!)

But, believe it or not, this silly commercial  sped through my mind like a downhill skier preparing for a long jump.   And I started to obsess about the sentence she had spoken.   Did she actually THINK that the number of dishes she washed, would in some way define her?   And what is it that I think defines me?

In the past weeks, I've been devouring an amazing Bible study by Beth Moore called, "Breaking Free".  I'll hastily tell you, I have loved every minute of it. Breaking free from all the stuff that bogs me down in this life, is all out refreshing! And somewhere last week, I read a particularly moving paragraph that went like this.

"You (insert your name here) are not defined by anything that happened to you or anything you have done.  You are defined by who you are in Christ.  You are God's beloved child."

And I balled like a little kid, for the longest time, after reading that oh-so-profoundly-simple truth.  Not to worry, these were not tears of pain.  I flooded my little hands with tears of pure relief and absolute gratitude!

You see, I have a past.  Perhaps like you.  Perhaps more or less unflattering than yours.  But frankly, there are moments in my life that I am positive would shame anyone if they had lived them.   I have done things...said things, yelled things, hit things, thrown things and accomplished acts of ick that I am too embarrassed to share here. 

Yet.  (Oh thank GOD for the good news)  I am NOT defined by ANY of these things.   Only God gets to say, who I am.

If you think that your past deeds or someone else's deeds against you are the only way we might try to define who you are...then think about this. 

You've perhaps noticed people, attempting to define themselves by the clothes worn, the houses lived in and the furniture stockpiled inside of it?   Cars become statements of a persons wealth and status.   Marriages and children become a part of the resumes to success.   Jobs become a part of a long ladder that someone will use to define you.    The people you hang with become tokens of style and culture.  Even the church you attend can be a defining point to some.   And the business of making a statement about who you are, goes on and on.

It's all bunk.  Rubbish. (to quote the english)

I am blemished.  I am tarnished.  I am a complete loser on my own.   I can spend hours in front of a mirror trying to look perfect (eh-hm, I admit it...I do attempt that quite often without success).  I can act the part of a good wife, an amazing mother, a solid friend that you can always count on to give, do and be the right things.  And I can fall into the categories above with house...cars and family with the hope that it will tell me or someone else who I am.   But it won't.

And as I sit here at my desk, I realize too, that there are many who would like to define me.  Some have tried to tell me who I am, who I need to be, what I should do and what I've done wrong.   I have labels that people have tried to apply to me.   And I have history that would like to attach itself to my back, bogging me down for the rest of my life.  But none of it is the definition of who I am.

I am not defined by what I have, where I live, who I am with, or anyone's ideas about who I am.   I am not even defined by who I think I am.   I am simply defined by one God, who loves me enough to say..."Jenn, you told me all that junk in your past.  I forgave you.  And honey, (he is affectionate), I can't even remember your past anymore."   Oh how I love God!  And I LOVE His memory loss grace and mercy, even more! 

Knowing God means that while He won't erase the consequences of my past...He will forgive it all.  And who I am in HIM today, is the only definition that matters.

In the end, perhaps the pretty brunette woman in the commercial was right. Clearly, she is NOT defined by how many dishes she washed.

(Grateful...oh so grateful)

P.S.  By the way, lest you think I am anti-pretty- things...Im not.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with having things or attempting to be beautiful...etc. (I like all that stuff too) It just doesn't define a person.